Being Twenty-Something
I am so confused right now: at what I want from life, at what I am supposed to want, at what I have, and at what my priorities are. Is it not supposed to be easier after college? I had dreams and visions of doing something big, of throwing myself out there and grabbing life by the horns. I, too, wanted to make a difference. Now my days turned weeks are highlighted by whether I get epic boots during one of my many ten-man raids and my mood is partially determined based on whether my fantasy ace pitcher has an off night. How pathetic. What happened to me?
I miss being in school; I really do. At least back then I had a direction. No matter what, I had to finish my degree, so that I could get a good stable job, which would hopefully be something that is at least tolerable, and if it grows to become my passion, then even better! In hindsight, that kind of thinking is as every bit myopic as saying that "bad things won’t happen to me because I won’t let it." I started the trek with the naïve notion that the finish line would be at the top of the plateau, only to find out that there is no plateau (in fact, there is no where to go but up), and I cannot go back down and start over either. I am really at a loss of what to do with myself.
I also miss my old friends. The ones with whom I grew up together. The ones with whom I can be completely myself around. And how about the ones who knew exactly what to say to piss me off, only they knew better of when to hold back and when to let go. Small gestures mean a lot to me, as does the random hello to check in.
Anyway, I am not sure where this came from, but I look at it fairly often.
***
Being Twenty-Something
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job, and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot start to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
I miss being in school; I really do. At least back then I had a direction. No matter what, I had to finish my degree, so that I could get a good stable job, which would hopefully be something that is at least tolerable, and if it grows to become my passion, then even better! In hindsight, that kind of thinking is as every bit myopic as saying that "bad things won’t happen to me because I won’t let it." I started the trek with the naïve notion that the finish line would be at the top of the plateau, only to find out that there is no plateau (in fact, there is no where to go but up), and I cannot go back down and start over either. I am really at a loss of what to do with myself.
I also miss my old friends. The ones with whom I grew up together. The ones with whom I can be completely myself around. And how about the ones who knew exactly what to say to piss me off, only they knew better of when to hold back and when to let go. Small gestures mean a lot to me, as does the random hello to check in.
Anyway, I am not sure where this came from, but I look at it fairly often.
***
Being Twenty-Something
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job, and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot start to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
Labels: life
I think what we miss is the certainty and the simplicity in the life of a student. Your life is segmented into sections and your progess is always marked, evaluated so there's always a preception of purpose and progress.
"Real" life or adult life does not provide you with quarterly evaluations and boosts of ego/self worth, you have to find it yourself.
I'm having difficulty with this, but I'll tell you what, I sure do prefer having money than not having money. :)
Posted by
badlamster |
April 15, 2007 at 7:39 PM